The Search

Today I felt the clouds closing in as I arrived at Mom's to take her to a couple appointments, and was greeted with "I can't find my purse"...

I started to ask her when she remembered having it last, but then stopped, because of course she wouldn't remember. Instead I asked questions, made phone calls, grasped at "straws", and finally determined that the missing purse must be somewhere in her apartment.

So the search began.

Every room, closets, cupboards...

not just once, but multiple times.

Where would a person with Alzheimers' Disease
put something valuable like a purse?

Praying to God that He would reveal to me where I should look, 

and for patience and kindness in dealing with my mother who is now more like a child.

Meanwhile, one appointment cancelled, and the other kept in the midst of the search.

Mom kept saying how bad she felt, 

and I assured her that she didn't lose it on purpose,
and blamed the disease.

 I kept looking...

Strange places like the oven, the refrigerator,
under the sink, back to the closets...

on the phone with my daughter, I flipped the top of a shoebox.

And there it was...

the missing purse,

in a SHOEBOX!!

I experienced such relief, but also such sadness.

Another step on the darkening path of this journey...

Thankful that God goes with us every step of the way.

Hidden

In the midst of seemingly endless repetitions of information...

the search for framed photos that weren't in their normal place, 

and eventually finding them in a tote bag...

going through the calendar of life events, 

and making sure the days that have passed are crossed out...

suddenly there was a moment of lucidity, 

(increasingly hidden)

and a question if this was all getting too heavy for me...

my answer that it is what it is,

and we're doing the best we can.

Slipping Away

Contradictions, Confusion, Misunderstandings

Frustrations...

the story changes

her world is smaller

Overwhelmed with loss, I blame the disease

she's slipping away...

New Normal

As I reflect on the past year, I am a bit amazed at what is now "normal"...

Once or twice a week I'm at Oakwood visiting Mom, 

observing and assessing multiple things
(multi tasking at its best)-

mentally and emotionally exhausted when I get home, 

and often in tears with decisions that loom ahead.

We deal with stacks of mail daily
(very little of it ours), 

have now acquired a Buick Rendevous
(which would never have been my choice), 

and

I do Lumosity training every day
(hoping to spare my daughters in the future)

Just part of the new normal...

Hard Weeks

In the past three weeks:

I have tied up the last legal piece...

thought I was going to supper with Mom and ended up taking her to the ER instead...

made arrangements for staff to watch over the antibiotics 

(since she took twice the amount the first day)...

made the hard decision to have her meds totally managed by Oakwood staff

(she hates the locked box on her refrigerator)...

changed her phone number and made it unlisted

(hoping this will end the solicitation calls she forgets to ignore)...

So thankful for the social worker and health and wellness coordinator, and realize I have communicated more with them in these past weeks than I have with many of my friends.

Blessed beyond measure with the people God has placed in my life
who express concern, offer hugs, listen, 

and love me along this road that's going downhill faster than I'd like.

The poem pictured above was shared on Facebook from a site called "A Place for Mom".

It totally spoke to my heart, and is so very true.

A New Twist in the Road We're Walking

The cruel disease is progressing, 

taking my mother, and leaving someone who looks like her...

Such a fine line, a narrow stretch of road in this journey-

allowing independence, yet protecting 

God has blessed me with patience when I'm with her,

answering the same questions, 

finding helpful strategies.

I reassure her that we are on this journey together, and that I love her.

the tears come later...

such painful missing

feeling alone

Yet the sun comes up each new day,

and I'm thankful for the opportunity to honor my mother...

answering the same questions,

finding helpful strategies,

reassuring her,

and loving her.

Fear Leads to Frustration

This peaceful scene from yesterday's lunch

truly depicts how I feel... 

Friends have asked me how my mom is doing, 

and how I am doing dealing with her.

In reflection

I used to respond to repeated questions with frustration,

and the real source of that frustration was FEAR.

Fear of the unknown, of the future,

of the responsibility.

So what changed?

I still don't know what the future holds

and the responsibility will only increase.

We do, however, have legal and financial experts in place,

and have taken steps to simplify what we can.

And God has graciously increased my patience and compassion,

which has led to my sense of peace

and enjoyment of times with Mom.