Sunday, October 13, 2013

Weight of Responsibility

I began this blog when Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I have books, and a folder full of resources. I have friends and cousins who have been down this road, or at least a similar path.
Even with the sense of relief in the diagnosis, I didn't really want to see... but I am being forced to especially now.
I know that denial to a point has been a coping mechanism I've used. When Dad's Parkinson's Disease was progressing, I didn't want to see or know.  I just wanted him to stay my Daddy, and I would concentrate on positives.  I'm generally a "glass half full" person.

That is why these past few months taking on more and more responsibility for Mom has been so painful and discouraging for matter what positive spin I try to conjure up, it's NOT going to get better!
Scary thought for me, and the weight threatens to crush me.

I'm losing my mother bit by bit, day by day. The role reversal is not a comfortable one, and I feel so alone. I realize that I'm grieving for Dad in a renewed sense as well.

But I don't want to be so sad...
I want to be thankful.  I want to experience joy. I want to focus on relationships that are healthy and good. Even as I feel broken, I search for beauty and bask in the warmth of God's presence in His creation.

So I share my tears with Him,
draw comfort and strength from inspirational songs and His Word...
and know that He walks this journey to the unknown with me to the very end.