Sunday, October 13, 2013

Weight of Responsibility

I began this blog when Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I have books, and a folder full of resources. I have friends and cousins who have been down this road, or at least a similar path.
Even with the sense of relief in the diagnosis, I didn't really want to see... but I am being forced to especially now.
I know that denial to a point has been a coping mechanism I've used. When Dad's Parkinson's Disease was progressing, I didn't want to see or know.  I just wanted him to stay my Daddy, and I would concentrate on positives.  I'm generally a "glass half full" person.

That is why these past few months taking on more and more responsibility for Mom has been so painful and discouraging for matter what positive spin I try to conjure up, it's NOT going to get better!
Scary thought for me, and the weight threatens to crush me.

I'm losing my mother bit by bit, day by day. The role reversal is not a comfortable one, and I feel so alone. I realize that I'm grieving for Dad in a renewed sense as well.

But I don't want to be so sad...
I want to be thankful.  I want to experience joy. I want to focus on relationships that are healthy and good. Even as I feel broken, I search for beauty and bask in the warmth of God's presence in His creation.

So I share my tears with Him,
draw comfort and strength from inspirational songs and His Word...
and know that He walks this journey to the unknown with me to the very end.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Cloud in My (otherwise) Blue Sky

I refer to Mom's Alzheimer's Disease as the gray cloud in my otherwise blue sky.
With so much to be thankful for in my faith, my immediate family, my job, my friends, 
my connections at Full Sail...
generally I am able to manage the stress of this one area of my life.

The past couple weeks have been more challenging, 
because serious issues have arisen.
I've felt panicked, stressed, engulfed by the looming clouds...
Yet the sky is still blue...
and God gives me the strength to love, and live on...
able to laugh at some things forgotten,
and determined to make things as right as possible
for as long as possible.