Hard Weeks

In the past three weeks:

I have tied up the last legal piece...

thought I was going to supper with Mom and ended up taking her to the ER instead...

made arrangements for staff to watch over the antibiotics 

(since she took twice the amount the first day)...

made the hard decision to have her meds totally managed by Oakwood staff

(she hates the locked box on her refrigerator)...

changed her phone number and made it unlisted

(hoping this will end the solicitation calls she forgets to ignore)...

So thankful for the social worker and health and wellness coordinator, and realize I have communicated more with them in these past weeks than I have with many of my friends.

Blessed beyond measure with the people God has placed in my life
who express concern, offer hugs, listen, 

and love me along this road that's going downhill faster than I'd like.

The poem pictured above was shared on Facebook from a site called "A Place for Mom".

It totally spoke to my heart, and is so very true.

A New Twist in the Road We're Walking

The cruel disease is progressing, 

taking my mother, and leaving someone who looks like her...

Such a fine line, a narrow stretch of road in this journey-

allowing independence, yet protecting 

God has blessed me with patience when I'm with her,

answering the same questions, 

finding helpful strategies.

I reassure her that we are on this journey together, and that I love her.

the tears come later...

such painful missing

feeling alone

Yet the sun comes up each new day,

and I'm thankful for the opportunity to honor my mother...

answering the same questions,

finding helpful strategies,

reassuring her,

and loving her.

Fear Leads to Frustration

This peaceful scene from yesterday's lunch

truly depicts how I feel... 

Friends have asked me how my mom is doing, 

and how I am doing dealing with her.

In reflection

I used to respond to repeated questions with frustration,

and the real source of that frustration was FEAR.

Fear of the unknown, of the future,

of the responsibility.

So what changed?

I still don't know what the future holds

and the responsibility will only increase.

We do, however, have legal and financial experts in place,

and have taken steps to simplify what we can.

And God has graciously increased my patience and compassion,

which has led to my sense of peace

and enjoyment of times with Mom.

3 years

My dad left this earth three years ago today. I know that Mom misses him every day, but wasn't sure if she would remember this anniversary.  She didn't.  Or at least she didn't mention it as I had dinner with her and then spent a couple hours up in her apartment.  I didn't bring it up either...
I had decided that I needed to be with her this evening, and that was important to me.

Walking on Ice

So far, 2014 has felt like walking on ice.

New health challenges with Mom, 

a talk with the social worker at Oakwood,

second guessing myself

just wanting to do what's best for us all...

there are times when I feel I've fallen flat like I did in the icy parking lot at school,

and other times, like today, when I feel my footing is a bit more sure...

such a slippery path

this journey to the unknown

Weight of Responsibility

I began this blog when Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I have books, and a folder full of resources. I have friends and cousins who have been down this road, or at least a similar path.
Even with the sense of relief in the diagnosis, I didn't really want to see... but I am being forced to especially now.
I know that denial to a point has been a coping mechanism I've used. When Dad's Parkinson's Disease was progressing, I didn't want to see or know.  I just wanted him to stay my Daddy, and I would concentrate on positives.  I'm generally a "glass half full" person.

That is why these past few months taking on more and more responsibility for Mom has been so painful and discouraging for me...no matter what positive spin I try to conjure up, it's NOT going to get better!
Scary thought for me, and the weight threatens to crush me.

I'm losing my mother bit by bit, day by day. The role reversal is not a comfortable one, and I feel so alone. I realize that I'm grieving for Dad in a renewed sense as well.

But I don't want to be so sad...
I want to be thankful.  I want to experience joy. I want to focus on relationships that are healthy and good. Even as I feel broken, I search for beauty and bask in the warmth of God's presence in His creation.

So I share my tears with Him,
draw comfort and strength from inspirational songs and His Word...

and know that He walks this journey to the unknown with me to the very end.

Cloud in My (otherwise) Blue Sky

I refer to Mom's Alzheimer's Disease as the gray cloud in my otherwise blue sky.

With so much to be thankful for in my faith, my immediate family, my job, my friends, 

my connections at Full Sail...

generally I am able to manage the stress of this one area of my life.

The past couple weeks have been more challenging, 

because serious issues have arisen.

I've felt panicked, stressed, engulfed by the looming clouds...

Yet the sky is still blue...

and God gives me the strength to love, and live on...

able to laugh at some things forgotten,

and determined to make things as right as possible

for as long as possible.