Changes

Changes are coming...

I can feel them as the air cools.

I can see them in subtle ways,

and like the leaves, changing right before my eyes.

Mom never calls my cell phone anymore, just our landline (and the number we've had for more than 25 years). She thinks she's working at the Care Center in Prescott, and needs to get home, but doesn't know the code, and she's told Tom, "I know that Kathy knows the code"!

Today she acted like it was years ago that she lived in the apartment at Oakwood...

I kind of wish I had asked her where she lived in between...

Somehow God gives me patience and the ability to answer calmly, over and over, and over.

I try not to look too far down the road,

yet I know that changes are coming.

Suddenly...

I knew it was coming. I agonized over how the timing would work out... when would a room be available ? How would I know it was time? When to start the Long Term Care policy knowing that there's a 100 day elimination period? Praying for these answers...

and then suddenly...
while talking with the Health and Wellness Coordinator, I told her that I thought we were to the point where we would take it when a room opened up...
and then she told me a private room had become available.

In the next couple of hours, there were phone calls I had to make, and bursts of sobs as I anticipated telling Mom about the move, (would she react in anger, feel like I've betrayed her?) quick facebook messages requesting prayer, and then the drive to Oakwood. I can't say enough about the amazing staff at Oakwood. The social worker was already in Mom's apartment when I got there, and she facilitated the discussion.  Mom  handled it so much better than I had feared, and I felt relief in that we've cleared the first hurdle. I told her we would make the room her home, and she asked me if I was sure about that. I answered that I couldn't be sure, but I was hopeful.

So much to think about, to take care of, paperwork...her move will officially be on Tuesday providing her doctor's forms get to Oakwood by Monday. As long as I'm busy with tasks, I am fairly strong.
Still, breakdowns occur at odd moments or in the middle of leaving a phone message, or telling a friend...

As emotional and hard as it is, it is the right next step, and it is the right time.
God answered my prayers.
I am supported.
I am loved.
I will rely on His strength as I continue to walk on this journey.

The Search

Today I felt the clouds closing in as I arrived at Mom's to take her to a couple appointments, and was greeted with "I can't find my purse"...

I started to ask her when she remembered having it last, but then stopped, because of course she wouldn't remember. Instead I asked questions, made phone calls, grasped at "straws", and finally determined that the missing purse must be somewhere in her apartment.

So the search began.

Every room, closets, cupboards...

not just once, but multiple times.

Where would a person with Alzheimers' Disease
put something valuable like a purse?

Praying to God that He would reveal to me where I should look, 

and for patience and kindness in dealing with my mother who is now more like a child.

Meanwhile, one appointment cancelled, and the other kept in the midst of the search.

Mom kept saying how bad she felt, 

and I assured her that she didn't lose it on purpose,
and blamed the disease.

 I kept looking...

Strange places like the oven, the refrigerator,
under the sink, back to the closets...

on the phone with my daughter, I flipped the top of a shoebox.

And there it was...

the missing purse,

in a SHOEBOX!!

I experienced such relief, but also such sadness.

Another step on the darkening path of this journey...

Thankful that God goes with us every step of the way.

Hard Weeks

In the past three weeks:

I have tied up the last legal piece...

thought I was going to supper with Mom and ended up taking her to the ER instead...

made arrangements for staff to watch over the antibiotics 

(since she took twice the amount the first day)...

made the hard decision to have her meds totally managed by Oakwood staff

(she hates the locked box on her refrigerator)...

changed her phone number and made it unlisted

(hoping this will end the solicitation calls she forgets to ignore)...

So thankful for the social worker and health and wellness coordinator, and realize I have communicated more with them in these past weeks than I have with many of my friends.

Blessed beyond measure with the people God has placed in my life
who express concern, offer hugs, listen, 

and love me along this road that's going downhill faster than I'd like.

The poem pictured above was shared on Facebook from a site called "A Place for Mom".

It totally spoke to my heart, and is so very true.

A New Twist in the Road We're Walking

The cruel disease is progressing, 

taking my mother, and leaving someone who looks like her...

Such a fine line, a narrow stretch of road in this journey-

allowing independence, yet protecting 

God has blessed me with patience when I'm with her,

answering the same questions, 

finding helpful strategies.

I reassure her that we are on this journey together, and that I love her.

the tears come later...

such painful missing

feeling alone

Yet the sun comes up each new day,

and I'm thankful for the opportunity to honor my mother...

answering the same questions,

finding helpful strategies,

reassuring her,

and loving her.

Fear Leads to Frustration

This peaceful scene from yesterday's lunch

truly depicts how I feel... 

Friends have asked me how my mom is doing, 

and how I am doing dealing with her.

In reflection

I used to respond to repeated questions with frustration,

and the real source of that frustration was FEAR.

Fear of the unknown, of the future,

of the responsibility.

So what changed?

I still don't know what the future holds

and the responsibility will only increase.

We do, however, have legal and financial experts in place,

and have taken steps to simplify what we can.

And God has graciously increased my patience and compassion,

which has led to my sense of peace

and enjoyment of times with Mom.

Walking on Ice

So far, 2014 has felt like walking on ice.

New health challenges with Mom, 

a talk with the social worker at Oakwood,

second guessing myself

just wanting to do what's best for us all...

there are times when I feel I've fallen flat like I did in the icy parking lot at school,

and other times, like today, when I feel my footing is a bit more sure...

such a slippery path

this journey to the unknown

Weight of Responsibility

I began this blog when Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I have books, and a folder full of resources. I have friends and cousins who have been down this road, or at least a similar path.
Even with the sense of relief in the diagnosis, I didn't really want to see... but I am being forced to especially now.
I know that denial to a point has been a coping mechanism I've used. When Dad's Parkinson's Disease was progressing, I didn't want to see or know.  I just wanted him to stay my Daddy, and I would concentrate on positives.  I'm generally a "glass half full" person.

That is why these past few months taking on more and more responsibility for Mom has been so painful and discouraging for me...no matter what positive spin I try to conjure up, it's NOT going to get better!
Scary thought for me, and the weight threatens to crush me.

I'm losing my mother bit by bit, day by day. The role reversal is not a comfortable one, and I feel so alone. I realize that I'm grieving for Dad in a renewed sense as well.

But I don't want to be so sad...
I want to be thankful.  I want to experience joy. I want to focus on relationships that are healthy and good. Even as I feel broken, I search for beauty and bask in the warmth of God's presence in His creation.

So I share my tears with Him,
draw comfort and strength from inspirational songs and His Word...

and know that He walks this journey to the unknown with me to the very end.

Cloud in My (otherwise) Blue Sky

I refer to Mom's Alzheimer's Disease as the gray cloud in my otherwise blue sky.

With so much to be thankful for in my faith, my immediate family, my job, my friends, 

my connections at Full Sail...

generally I am able to manage the stress of this one area of my life.

The past couple weeks have been more challenging, 

because serious issues have arisen.

I've felt panicked, stressed, engulfed by the looming clouds...

Yet the sky is still blue...

and God gives me the strength to love, and live on...

able to laugh at some things forgotten,

and determined to make things as right as possible

for as long as possible.

Fear

I had to stop over at Mom's today after school for some paperwork. I had told her last night on the phone that I would be doing that...I called before I left work, but couldn't reach her on either her home or cell phones. Telling myself not to panic, I kept trying. Still no answer.
At Oakwood, I climbed the three flights of stairs to her apartment, rang the doorbell, put my key in the lock only to find it unlocked...
Fighting back fear as I walked in and looked around. Times like these I am terrified that I will find her hurt or dead. Then I saw her keys...where could she be without her keys?
I found her at the Community Center...she had played hand chimes with the choir for the vesper service, and had no memory that I would be coming.

I thank God that she was safe, and I pray for patience and for Him to alleviate my fear.
 This path is slippery...

almost like having another child...

This morning I got an email saying Mom's Apple ID password needed to be reset.

I made two phone calls to her to make sure our appointment at the bank was set up.

She told me she had fallen outside this morning, gone to Urgent Care and had a CT scan.

I patiently repeat information, answer questions, tell stories like it's the first time.

and all the while I am thinking....it's like having another child.

I know that this journey I'm on is known to many.

I've connected in this past week with multiple people who have such stories of their own to tell.

I now know that God was not putting Matthew West's "Strong Enough" on my constant playlist

to help me with the job transition

but for this...

HE is strong enough for both of us

and I can do all things through Christ 

who gives me strength...

one day at a time

one answer at a time

one step at a time...

Beginning

On Thursday Mom was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's Disease. It wasn't a surprise. Actually for me the diagnosis was validating, and from my perspective a bit "freeing" for Mom as well. She took the news better than either Tom or I had anticipated...at first.
I don't fully understand her not wanting to tell anyone.
It is the opposite for me...I need the support of my close friends and my family as I take the first steps on this journey to the unknown.
this blog will tell my story....