Walking on Ice

So far, 2014 has felt like walking on ice.

New health challenges with Mom, 

a talk with the social worker at Oakwood,

second guessing myself

just wanting to do what's best for us all...

there are times when I feel I've fallen flat like I did in the icy parking lot at school,

and other times, like today, when I feel my footing is a bit more sure...

such a slippery path

this journey to the unknown

Weight of Responsibility

I began this blog when Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I have books, and a folder full of resources. I have friends and cousins who have been down this road, or at least a similar path.
Even with the sense of relief in the diagnosis, I didn't really want to see... but I am being forced to especially now.
I know that denial to a point has been a coping mechanism I've used. When Dad's Parkinson's Disease was progressing, I didn't want to see or know.  I just wanted him to stay my Daddy, and I would concentrate on positives.  I'm generally a "glass half full" person.

That is why these past few months taking on more and more responsibility for Mom has been so painful and discouraging for me...no matter what positive spin I try to conjure up, it's NOT going to get better!
Scary thought for me, and the weight threatens to crush me.

I'm losing my mother bit by bit, day by day. The role reversal is not a comfortable one, and I feel so alone. I realize that I'm grieving for Dad in a renewed sense as well.

But I don't want to be so sad...
I want to be thankful.  I want to experience joy. I want to focus on relationships that are healthy and good. Even as I feel broken, I search for beauty and bask in the warmth of God's presence in His creation.

So I share my tears with Him,
draw comfort and strength from inspirational songs and His Word...

and know that He walks this journey to the unknown with me to the very end.

Cloud in My (otherwise) Blue Sky

I refer to Mom's Alzheimer's Disease as the gray cloud in my otherwise blue sky.

With so much to be thankful for in my faith, my immediate family, my job, my friends, 

my connections at Full Sail...

generally I am able to manage the stress of this one area of my life.

The past couple weeks have been more challenging, 

because serious issues have arisen.

I've felt panicked, stressed, engulfed by the looming clouds...

Yet the sky is still blue...

and God gives me the strength to love, and live on...

able to laugh at some things forgotten,

and determined to make things as right as possible

for as long as possible.

Fear

I had to stop over at Mom's today after school for some paperwork. I had told her last night on the phone that I would be doing that...I called before I left work, but couldn't reach her on either her home or cell phones. Telling myself not to panic, I kept trying. Still no answer.
At Oakwood, I climbed the three flights of stairs to her apartment, rang the doorbell, put my key in the lock only to find it unlocked...
Fighting back fear as I walked in and looked around. Times like these I am terrified that I will find her hurt or dead. Then I saw her keys...where could she be without her keys?
I found her at the Community Center...she had played hand chimes with the choir for the vesper service, and had no memory that I would be coming.

I thank God that she was safe, and I pray for patience and for Him to alleviate my fear.
 This path is slippery...

phone calls

it might have felt like a call from the principal's office at my child's school,

although I never experienced that...

but I imagine the feelings would have been the same...

the phone calls I received at work, not about my daughters, but about my mother,

were pretty upsetting...

and I wanted to say to her

"JUST GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE"!

yet even as that might make ME feel better,

somehow I just know it wouldn't be beneficial.

so i find the strength to respond to the phone calls with gratitude,

and I truly AM grateful that I don't need to "handle it"...

I allow the social worker and volunteer coordinator to do their jobs.

and realize it's just another step

on this journey to the unknown

amazing to witness

 I had the privilege to witness a dream come true

the making of a memory

an amazing experience 

for two people I love

almost like having another child...

This morning I got an email saying Mom's Apple ID password needed to be reset.

I made two phone calls to her to make sure our appointment at the bank was set up.

She told me she had fallen outside this morning, gone to Urgent Care and had a CT scan.

I patiently repeat information, answer questions, tell stories like it's the first time.

and all the while I am thinking....it's like having another child.

I know that this journey I'm on is known to many.

I've connected in this past week with multiple people who have such stories of their own to tell.

I now know that God was not putting Matthew West's "Strong Enough" on my constant playlist

to help me with the job transition

but for this...

HE is strong enough for both of us

and I can do all things through Christ 

who gives me strength...

one day at a time

one answer at a time

one step at a time...